christmas......

Merry Christmas........ So much has happened. Where to start....... We have a new baby in the house. Hazen is 2 weeks old. Fighting bilirubin count, was losing some weight, but things are improving. He will be the last baby. That is hard to write. It is impossible to say out loud. I think about it and my heart aches so much. People just don't understand. "You should be thankful for the family you have......." Yes, I am. More than words will ever say. I am not saying we would have definitely had another baby, but being told we can't.... being told that I can't. That my body would betray me and not support the life of another baby just kills me inside. It has been a hard 2 weeks. I am so thankful for my new son. He is the most amazingly beautiful little boy that he could be. His health is better than it could be. We have to have him hooked to this light belt 23 out of 24 hours. We can't take him anywhere as everything is too far away. That combined with waking him every 2-2 1/2 hours..... blood draws from his heels every other morning for the last 2 weeks. I feel like I am being screwed out of his first days of life. Everything has me so tired..... I love nursing him, don't get me wrong. I hate having to nurse him on a schedule, especially one that leaves me so exhausted. Add to that I am doing too much at the shop. My recovery from my surgery is going less than well. Back to surgery..... I make way too much scar tissue and in the 2 years since my last c-section, I grew an incredible amount of of it.... my bladder was adhered to my uterus and my uterus was partially adhered to something else. Large risk of rupture, might not be able to survive the pregnancy again or the surgery...... extremely more painful than other 2 c-sections. This is sad and maybe a little bit silly, but the pain of knowing we can't have another baby is making every little thing about Hazen really wonderful and painful at the same time. Long 2 weeks in many ways.... lightening fast speed in many others. I am so very lucky to be able to have him home and not have something much more serious wrong, I know.... but on the same note, I want to be able to pick him up and snuggle him and take him places with me and not have to worry about how long he has been out of his light. On the same note, as awful as having this hose attached to him is, I relish the solitude that we have together. Hours spent with just him quietly carving away the evening into the night. Then I feel guilty over that.... time not spent with the other children. Everything is just so loud and hard to handle right now. I just don't know....... My husband has been incredible. Making suppers, breakfasts, helping at the shop when we need him to, hauling us back and forth where we need to go, grocery shopping, getting the kids ready to go. With the limited time we have off of the blanket, it seems like we wait upstairs with it on until he has part of the kids loaded up and ready in the van. Then we scurry to take him off of it and get him to the flower shop and right back on. You may think that those small amounts of time don't add up, but they do... very quickly. You blow an hour off the light without much work. I hate days he has to have blood work done. Besides the obvious of not wanting to see him hurting, the time off takes away any extra... on days that he doesn't have blood work, I like to take about 15 minutes in the evening when he is nursing and let him be without his light on. Just to hold him without the hose on is such an amazing sensation. I hate the light... the hose looks like he is hooked up on something out of the Matrix. Silly I know, but I hate it. Again... better the light belt and have him home than have him still in the hospital.

So, back to today.... it is Christmas night. After a long exhausting day full of fun.... here is where we are. Hazen and I are in our usual spots in my room. Emeril is making something yummy on FoodTV, Hazen's machine is humming away, Brian is playing his new computer game, and the children that are still here are trying to agree on a new movie to watch. 2 children are not here, and that is a bit rough. Kristen(19) is gone to her boyfriend's mom's house for supper. She will be back around bedtime and then off to Fargo tomorrow again. That has been hard, but getting a little better, maybe. Caitie(13) just left to spend the night with her best friend and then they are off to Minneapolis in the morning for 2 days at Mall of America. I know she will have a wonderful time. It is her first time there. The timing just sucks. For me that is. Don't know what is wrong with me. Just feeling a little down still. All that business explained earlier is making everything hard to deal with. Seems like I spend more time crying, trying not cry, or trying to convince everyone that I am not crying than anything else here lately. Hazen makes me cry and smile at the same time. Sounds like crazy talk, but I resent anything that takes time away from Hazen right now. Won't dwell on that though......

Well, Merry what's left of Christmas.