christmas......

Merry Christmas........ So much has happened. Where to start....... We have a new baby in the house. Hazen is 2 weeks old. Fighting bilirubin count, was losing some weight, but things are improving. He will be the last baby. That is hard to write. It is impossible to say out loud. I think about it and my heart aches so much. People just don't understand. "You should be thankful for the family you have......." Yes, I am. More than words will ever say. I am not saying we would have definitely had another baby, but being told we can't.... being told that I can't. That my body would betray me and not support the life of another baby just kills me inside. It has been a hard 2 weeks. I am so thankful for my new son. He is the most amazingly beautiful little boy that he could be. His health is better than it could be. We have to have him hooked to this light belt 23 out of 24 hours. We can't take him anywhere as everything is too far away. That combined with waking him every 2-2 1/2 hours..... blood draws from his heels every other morning for the last 2 weeks. I feel like I am being screwed out of his first days of life. Everything has me so tired..... I love nursing him, don't get me wrong. I hate having to nurse him on a schedule, especially one that leaves me so exhausted. Add to that I am doing too much at the shop. My recovery from my surgery is going less than well. Back to surgery..... I make way too much scar tissue and in the 2 years since my last c-section, I grew an incredible amount of of it.... my bladder was adhered to my uterus and my uterus was partially adhered to something else. Large risk of rupture, might not be able to survive the pregnancy again or the surgery...... extremely more painful than other 2 c-sections. This is sad and maybe a little bit silly, but the pain of knowing we can't have another baby is making every little thing about Hazen really wonderful and painful at the same time. Long 2 weeks in many ways.... lightening fast speed in many others. I am so very lucky to be able to have him home and not have something much more serious wrong, I know.... but on the same note, I want to be able to pick him up and snuggle him and take him places with me and not have to worry about how long he has been out of his light. On the same note, as awful as having this hose attached to him is, I relish the solitude that we have together. Hours spent with just him quietly carving away the evening into the night. Then I feel guilty over that.... time not spent with the other children. Everything is just so loud and hard to handle right now. I just don't know....... My husband has been incredible. Making suppers, breakfasts, helping at the shop when we need him to, hauling us back and forth where we need to go, grocery shopping, getting the kids ready to go. With the limited time we have off of the blanket, it seems like we wait upstairs with it on until he has part of the kids loaded up and ready in the van. Then we scurry to take him off of it and get him to the flower shop and right back on. You may think that those small amounts of time don't add up, but they do... very quickly. You blow an hour off the light without much work. I hate days he has to have blood work done. Besides the obvious of not wanting to see him hurting, the time off takes away any extra... on days that he doesn't have blood work, I like to take about 15 minutes in the evening when he is nursing and let him be without his light on. Just to hold him without the hose on is such an amazing sensation. I hate the light... the hose looks like he is hooked up on something out of the Matrix. Silly I know, but I hate it. Again... better the light belt and have him home than have him still in the hospital.

So, back to today.... it is Christmas night. After a long exhausting day full of fun.... here is where we are. Hazen and I are in our usual spots in my room. Emeril is making something yummy on FoodTV, Hazen's machine is humming away, Brian is playing his new computer game, and the children that are still here are trying to agree on a new movie to watch. 2 children are not here, and that is a bit rough. Kristen(19) is gone to her boyfriend's mom's house for supper. She will be back around bedtime and then off to Fargo tomorrow again. That has been hard, but getting a little better, maybe. Caitie(13) just left to spend the night with her best friend and then they are off to Minneapolis in the morning for 2 days at Mall of America. I know she will have a wonderful time. It is her first time there. The timing just sucks. For me that is. Don't know what is wrong with me. Just feeling a little down still. All that business explained earlier is making everything hard to deal with. Seems like I spend more time crying, trying not cry, or trying to convince everyone that I am not crying than anything else here lately. Hazen makes me cry and smile at the same time. Sounds like crazy talk, but I resent anything that takes time away from Hazen right now. Won't dwell on that though......

Well, Merry what's left of Christmas.

Birthday...

Benji is 5!!!!! And he has been enjoying that fact all day. He went out the station and picked out a birthday movie to rent for the night. ZOOM! He laughs so hard watching it. We are having his "party" on Sunday so grandparents and the oldest daughter's bf can come over for it. That is IF we don't get another foot of snow. We got about 10-11 inches last weekend and they are calling for 10-18 inches more by Friday. Have had enough winter, that's for sure. Going straight ahead with plans at the shop. It is going to be fun. Very excited to get going with it all. Going for now.... need to frost a cake. Decorating one this weekend for the big party, but making one tonight as he has to have one ON his birthday of course.
Blessed be!

Snow.

For crying out loud......it's doing it again. Snowing. A BUNCH of it. We might have a foot by morning. Pretty to look at, but damn... we were going to go to Fargo tomorrow for a fun day.
I haven't been here for a long time. I am not sure why. Just as I am not sure why I am back. I thought I needed a rant space. A sounding board. A place to call my own.
It seems I have a knack for making a post at birthday times. My oldest son will turn 5 on Monday.
5 seems like such a big number, a major birthday and all. He is an awesome little kid. Such an imagination, energetic, adorable.....and on and on :D
A lot of birthdays since I was last here.... one turned 6, 9, 18, 3 and my baby turned 1. Too much in such a short time... my first baby turned 18 and my baby baby turned 1. Just 3 months between the 2 events. Lots of turmoil and drama. But we made it for now.
Big changes and major decisions to make. Buy the shop? Remodel the kitchen? *sigh* both?
At this point I think I will buy the shop... there are a lot of changes that I want to make there, but don't want to make them until I am buying the building. Too much work to put in with just renting it.
Well, enough for now. Too much in my mind and I can't get it all out without it sounding like a confusing mess.
Kids fighting, bickering, bitching at each other in a very mean manner..... what a way to end the night.

Birthday number 2 in the 8 day run.....

Here we are with another birthday. This one is turning 12. She is going to LOVE her presents. We got her a long bow like off LoTR. And of course all the grab to go with it; arrows, quiver, targets.... she is good to go. Only problem? It is calling for stormy weather. Hope we get a break so she can try it out. Her longtime goal is to get a cross bow like off of the movie Van Helsing.... she is going to work her way up though. Well, enough for now. Hopefully things go smoothly and I will try and post more later.

Afternoon update:
Weather looks like it might hold for a while..... *crosses fingers* I will let you know.

The Day After...

Everything is as it should be again. We survived the birthday. Dinner was a huge surprise and hit. She loved her presents..... state quarters book and pink little music player she can carry around with her.
I looks like we are going to have a BUSY weekend..... have a funeral to create flowers for that has the potential to be huge. Wanted to get away to the local wildlife reserve... about an hour from here.... but now who knows.
Yesterday was a good day after all besides the birthday business........ was beautiful weather. Took all the kids outside for lessons for the afternoon.... got to curl up with 5 month son and cuddle and nurse in the new yard lounger we got and he had a blissful nap outside while we had the perfect setting to work on science and the anatomy of plants with the 5yo and the 8yo. Kept the lounger in the sun.... we moved the silly thing twice to keep in the sun.... and we still got a little pink.... even baby T, which made me sad. Time to get out the sunblock. That's ok.... with the loooooooong winters we have, I will gladly take the weather we had.
Well, enough for now.... I must get them rounded around and up to the shop as we have a couple of first thing this morning deliveries and then get busy here for the day and let the oldest handle arrangements with the family coming in this morning. Bye for now.

Another Teenager..... :-S

Well, it has happened. My oldest daughter can no longer be referred to as "The Teenager" and have a clear picture of who we are speaking of. Her next sister down is 13 today. The "Big One" in her opinion. I had meant to write a bit more about us before I launched into any "heavy" posts, but life has been busy..... in a nutshell.... 8 children, we own the local flower shop, and we homeschool.... enough said for now. I hope it is a good day for her. Last June, she lost her best friend, her best friend's mom who happened to be my best friend, other than my oldest daughter who is more than a daughter to me, and another child in a tragic accident that should have never happened.... a flatbed-semi ran a stop sign and crashed into the side of their motor home leaving a 4 year old and a 4 month old motherless and without 2 of their siblings. But anyways, back to the point, the girl that was lost that day was my new teens BESTEST friend.... they were both 12 at the time. They had BIG plans for their 13ths........ last November we spent her best friend's birthday with a trip to the cemetery to take an arrangement of 13 green carnations, it was her favorite color. ........so it is with bittersweet celebration today that we mark my daughter's birthday. As I revel in the joy of her, I am also filled with a sadness that will never go away. Realizing all the things that she may have never had the chance to do.... as it was a lucky twist for us that I didn't let her go that day last June. She and one of her sisters, who will turn 12 in 5 days, were invited to go along. In the end, I said no. She was mad at me for all that day and night..... and probably would have been angry that next morning as well, except for the fact that we awoke at 6:23 a.m. to the sounds of fire trucks and ambulances, not knowing it was the camper carrying our best friends and homeschool soul mates. Within the next 2 1/2 hours after that, our lives as we had known them had come to an end. My children were forced to deal with something that they shouldn't ever have to. And it wasn't just a car accident.... the semi that hit them sent them flipping around and their camper burst into flames. No need to say more. So all the firsts have been hard for her........ first pool trip, first snow piles, holidays.... and 13th birthdays. It was a rite of passage that these 2 friends had planned out to the minute. Details discussed and plans made. So our goal today is to make it as extra special as we can. As I briefly mentioned up there, we own the local flower shop...... it is just my oldest daughter "The Teenager" and I that work there. So today she is making up a vase of 13 of the most beautiful pink roses there are, sneaking them over to the town's ONLY fancy/really nice eating place, and we have reservations for Mom, Dad, and the newly reigning teenager. "The Teenager" is going to keep the other 6 siblings at home. Then after what will hopefully be a nice supper, we are going to come home and have cake and presents with all of us. As we have another birthday in 5 days, (turning 12 remember) and another one turning 6 three days after that, we will have grandparents in on an off weekend and celebrate with them that way. But we always recognize each birthday on the day it happens.
Well, enough for now. Happy Birthday Lexi.... we all love you.

First things first....

Well, here I am. My first blog entry and I have nothing to say. I am not sure why I am doing this. Hmmmmm..........................